A warm welcome to the Foul Mouthed Count's website

Set in a sleepy village in Hampshire, Dorset, our charming pub has been a blight on the local community for centuries.Winner of the 2001 pub of the year, we have also been described by The Sunday Times as "crippling pains" they also went on to say: "The grilled Twat of Lamb was paralyzing".

Walk into The Foul Mouthed Count and you are transported to another era. From its friendly and curiously deadly bar staff to original watercolour paintings of car accidents adorning the walls, every detail is kept as it would have been over a hundred years ago. It really is a step back in time.

Why not sit back and enjoy yourself in front of one of our five carefully controlled fires? There is no blaring music, no video game cacophony, just the gentle art of conversation, good food and twenty four air hockey tables.

 

If you choose to eat here you will not be disappointed. All the ingredients we use are fresh and irresponsibly sourced from The Old Fuck Farm in Addlestone, Britain's most intense farm. Apart from the usual pub classics like Steak and kidney animatronics or BMX salad, why not try the blinding migraine in a Volvo, bruised shin, or a confetti of broken glass? As for the puddings, how mouth-watering do you want to get? Tumble dried denim dusted with volcano ash, crushed Devonshire anuses or asphalt patio? All within an inch of your face.

Enjoy a pint in our relaxing Beer garden

But a visit to The Foul Mouthed Count isn’t just about the food, a good pint of Swollen Tits or enjoying a dislocated shoulder of lamb. It is also about the warmth of the welcome. And this doesn’t just come from the bar staff. The regulars are always welcoming of new faces, so you'll soon find yourself on the recieving end of some life threatening profanities.

'You've never tasted a real ale until you've tried a pint of Asphyxiated Lady'
Oz Clarke

So whether you eat with us, drink with us, stay with us, close us down, open us up again we will welcome you and try to make your stay as relaxed and enjoyable as possible.

House wines.

Council Estate.
Full bodied Cotes de rhone.
Absolutely Debilatating.

Ten Pounds Change.
Far too much. went back, told them. Honest. Trustworthy.

Entertainment.

Monday: Headlock Evening
free buffet

Tuesday: Our popular quiz night.
Hosted by Dave Gaviscon

Wednesday: Live Jazz piano
Eddie Stobart tinkles on the ovaries

Thursday: Smear test
10am. Don't forget

Friday: Stammering
A perfect start to the weekend

Saturday: Jasper Carrot
His brilliant censored family show.
For one night only
"You could fit a whole house up her ass!"
Hilarious.

Sunday: Last orders
From 11am till 11pm. Every 10 minutes. Quite confusing

The Foul Mouthed Count serves food daily from 12 till 12.30 at lunchtimes (12.15 at weekends) and 7 till 8 in the evenings. We do not take bookings so make sure you get here at least an hour before we open. Dogs are also welcome in the Restaurant and Kitchen. Unfortunately non-smokers are not permitted on the premises at any time.
Parking is a major problem.

Childrens play area

Children are also catered for with an exciting play area that will keep them entertained for hours. All the paints are highly toxic.

How to get here

By car: Follow the A452 until you get to the Sammy davis Jnr roundabout. Take the 2nd exit and follow this road until you get to a small clearing in the woods. Call the Landlord on 07820 374829 and he'll come and pick you up.

By foot: Families coming from the train station, must jump the barriers alongside the a452 to cross the dual carriageway. Call the landlord on 07820 374829 and he'll arrange a taxi.